Part 3: Planned Abstinence Over Moderation — When Less Choice Brings More Peace

If you’ve been following along, you know this series started in a place many of us don’t usually linger — bowel movements. Then it widened into the wonder of the gut microbiome, that vast, invisible ecosystem quietly influencing how we feel, think, crave, and move through the world. Somewhere along the way, I realized the gut wasn’t just teaching me about digestion — it was teaching me about choice. About how some of us thrive with fewer decisions, clearer boundaries, and gentler structure. And that’s what brings us here: planned abstinence — not as deprivation, but as a surprisingly peaceful way of living.

And now we arrive here — at choice, control, and peace.

Because once you begin listening to the body, you start to notice patterns. Not rules. Patterns.

And one of the clearest patterns I’ve noticed in myself is this: my mind and body are most at peace when I practice planned abstinence rather than moderation.

Let’s talk about “how some of us are wired.”

I have not shut up about this at work. Everyone knows it. Everyone who knows me well agrees:

I am that person.

All-in or all-out.

Clear yes or clear no.

Very little gray — and surprisingly, a whole lot of peace.

This isn’t about deprivation.

It's not about discipline or punishment.

It's not about being “good.”

It’s about how my brain works.

Just like I like to know when I’ll wash my sheets (usually Sunday), when I’ll do laundry, and when I’ll carve out time to read or walk while the washer is running — I like having gentle structure. Not rigidity. Just expectation.

That structure doesn’t shrink my life.

It creates space inside it.

And I’ve learned that what I don’t put into my body often gives me more freedom with what I do.

Neutral treats vs. loop-starters

Here’s the distinction that changed everything for me.

Neutral treats

These are foods you can enjoy that:

• Taste good

• Feel satisfying

• Don’t linger in your thoughts afterward

• Don’t change how you eat the rest of the day or week

You can have them and move on.

No mental noise. No negotiation.

Loop-starters

These are different.

These are foods that:

• Light up pleasure and craving

• Restart the internal dialogue

• Wake something up

• Create the feeling of “more… soon… again…”

These foods don’t just taste good.

Some foods don’t just taste good — they wake something up.

Once I noticed which foods were loop-starters for me, everything softened.

Because the problem was never willpower.

There’s one more place this shows up clearly for me, and that’s alcohol. I made the decision years ago to stop drinking — not out of fear, and not out of deprivation, but because it quietly became a loop-starter that cost me more peace than it ever gave back. What surprises people most is this: I don’t miss it. Not once. Removing alcohol simplified my body, my sleep, my mornings, and my emotional landscape in a way moderation never could. The decision itself brought relief — no negotiating, no “just one,” no recovery afterward. Just clarity. And that clarity has been a gift.

Why moderation is exhausting for all-in / all-out people

Moderation sounds virtuous.

But for people wired like me, moderation can feel like:

• Constant decision-making

• Internal bargaining

• Monitoring portions

• Stopping mid-pleasure

• Re-deciding again tomorrow

That’s a lot of cognitive noise.

Planned abstinence, on the other hand, is quiet.

When the decision is already made, the mind can rest.

The science (woven gently, I promise)

This isn’t just personality — there’s biology underneath it.

Dopamine loops

Highly palatable foods (especially sugar + fat combinations) trigger dopamine — the neurotransmitter of anticipation and reward.

For some brains, that signal is loud.

Once activated, dopamine doesn’t say “that was nice.”It says, “Remember this. Repeat this.”

The microbiome joins the conversation

When we eat certain foods regularly, we encourage the microbes that thrive on them.

Those microbes:

• Adapt quickly

• Influence hunger and craving hormones

• Signal the brain through the gut-brain axis

So when a loop-starter food re-enters the picture, both the brain and the gut say:

“Ah yes. More, please.”

This isn’t weakness.

It's biology doing exactly what it’s designed to do.

How planned abstinence quiets food noise

When loop-starter foods are consistently removed:

• Dopamine spikes settle

• Cravings soften

• Microbial signaling shifts

• Mental negotiation fades

And something lovely happens.

The quiet returns.

For me, abstinence isn’t restrictive — it’s liberating.

It gives my mind fewer things to manage and more room to live.

Control — but the healthy kind

I’ve thought a lot about control over the years.

And here’s what I know now:

There is a difference between gripping and grounding.

Planned abstinence isn’t about fear or rigidity.

It's about choosing a structure that supports peace.

Just like planning a vacation months in advance doesn’t limit the joy — it enhances it — knowing what I don’t consume lets me fully enjoy what I do.

Control, when chosen consciously, can be kind.

Choosing peace over constant negotiation

This is what it comes down to.

I don’t abstain because I “can’t handle” something.

I abstain because I can handle myself better when things are simpler.

And simplicity brings peace.

🍯 Honey Note

Choosing peace is not restriction. It’s wisdom.

Looking ahead

Parts 1 and 2 taught us to listen — to bowel habits, to microbes, to signals beneath the surface.

Part 3 invites us to honor what we hear.

In Part 4, we’ll explore how this same wisdom shows up in relationships, boundaries, and love — because the body doesn’t stop teaching once food is off the table.

Warmly,

MaryNell (Honey) 🐝

P.S. When my gut is calm, my heart usually follows. Funny how that works.